Provoked (Space Mage Book 1) Page 5

  "We didn't get close to stars, kid, and if we had gotten close enough to any planets that you could make out any details beyond their color, we would have fallen into their gravity, and that would have interrupted the trip. Like I said, nothing of note happened."

  The lie slipped past my lips with practiced ease—I wasn't about to tell this stranger about the pirate attack. No one had to know about that, because then they'd all be wondering why I hadn't awakened the other Raiders as soon as I was alerted to the attack.

  I didn't want them to know I'd been hoping for death.

  That was a one-way ticket to a psych ward, and that was the last place I wanted to end up.

  Besides, then this kid was going to want to pick me apart into little pieces and figure out why I felt like that. He'd want to know what made me tick, and I didn't want to share any of that with anyone. I had my own shit.

  The pain and agony of my life—that was personal.

  And I'd never met another soul I could share any of that with.

  I was on my own, as far as I was concerned.

  And this kid? He wasn't about to be the person who broke through those walls. What did he know about the horrors that filled the universe?

  "All right, well, we can move past that, then," he said, and I could hear how disappointed he was.

  Clearly, he'd been hoping for something more from me, and I felt a pang of guilt, like a part of me wanted to give him hope that there was adventure to be had, that the universe was brimming with possibilities, just like he must have wanted it to be. But that was stupid.

  "How did you feel during the trip?" he asked.

  Tension gripped me as soon as that question came out into the open.

  Now, we were treading into dangerous territory.

  "Fine," I said flatly.

  "Just fine? You didn't get bored at all?"

  "There was a sim chamber. If I got bored, I popped into it for a bit."

  "Yes, and you didn't wake me at any point during the journey, indicating that you didn't feel caged in at all…"

  "Nope."

  He frowned. "You know, it's normal to feel that way. Anyone would. It's not a sign that your genes are reacting negatively. It just means you’re human."

  "I said I didn't feel caged in," I replied, and my tone brooked no argument.

  "All right, all right." He paused for a minute to make some notes on his little notepad. "So, you were perfectly fine throughout the entire journey? You didn't miss your home, your family, at any point?"

  "I don't have family," I said. The admission was out of my mouth before I could stop it.

  Damn it. You’re not supposed to share anything with these people. They don't understand. They'll try to change you.

  "Oh, that's terrible. I'm so sorry," he said, and I could swear, he almost looked it. "I can't imagine what that must be like. I don't have a family of my own, not in that kind of way, but I do have several brothers and sisters, and both my parents, back on Earth. I miss them quite a lot. We used to have a family dinner every Sunday. We were quite close."

  "Sounds nice," I said gruffly, not sure what else to say.

  "It really was!" And then he faltered, frowning. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to remind you of what you don't have. That was terribly inconsiderate of me."

  I shrugged. "Happens. Not a big deal. I don't think about it too much anymore."

  He made a few more notes on the paper, writing as quickly as he could. "Mm-hm, so you push it down. That's to be expected. It’s a fairly common coping mechanism."

  "Why are you writing on the paper?" I blurted out.

  His head snapped up, and his eyes were wide. "I…I… What? Why?"

  "Why are you writing on the paper?" I repeated. "Instead of on the computer?"

  His cheeks flushed, and he started to say something, but it came out in an incoherent mumble.

  I raised an eyebrow, crossing my arms over my chest as I settled back into the chair. I could wait him out, no problem.

  "Well, I suppose sharing a secret with you might make you feel more comfortable with me," he mused aloud, nibbling at his lower lip. "But you have to promise not to tell anyone, OK?"

  I chuckled. "Sure, kid."

  "I don't want anyone tracking my notes. I take confidentiality very seriously, and I don't want anyone to ever feel like they can't tell me something because someone else might find out. And computers—they’re so easy to get into these days, if you know where to look. It wouldn't surprise me if they had all of our computers tracked at this point, with everything we do uploaded to a server for someone else to go through. I wouldn't want your personal thoughts given to someone else like that. It's just…cruel."

  I blinked, surprised. This kid was actually concerned about my privacy.

  For a second, I almost felt like he was the real deal, like maybe I could trust him and everything wouldn't go to shit.

  But then the mental barrier slammed down, shutting all my feelings away in the vault where I stored them.

  No. We don't share anything with anyone else, and that's final.

  This kid was dangerous, I realized. I was going to have to watch myself around him.

  Xiva

  Fight back. Find yourself in this pain and come back.

  That was my mantra, one I repeated to myself over and over as I clawed my way out of the pain that had consumed me. I couldn't let it rule me; it was too dangerous.

  My mind was coming back to me, more memories were flooding in, and with every one that came, there was always more pain.

  It was as if my mind couldn't handle the knowledge of who I'd been, of what had happened, and it was trying to hide.

  I understood that—logically, it made sense that my mind would retreat from the pain that came with the knowledge that I had failed my people so completely—but there was no way to make such allowances for myself.

  There was no time for me to be absorbed in pity.

  I had to claw my way out, had to force myself to look at everything, had to remember.

  Because if I was remembering, if I was waking up…

  Fear shook me to my core, threatening to consume my mind, to take control of me just as the pain had done.

  But I couldn't let it.

  Balance. Control the fear and the pain and find the calm within.

  That was the key to life, as we Stryx had discovered. There was no way to go through life except with balance.

  For the longest time, I had argued—to myself; never to others—that the way we viewed balance was wrong, that balance didn't really mean shoving all of our feelings to the corners of our minds and presenting a placid mask to the rest of the world. I felt we should embrace the feelings that came to us and learn to live with them.

  But for the moment, I had to live as I had been trained to live. I had to push those thoughts, those emotions, back into their place. I had to find the calm that was so highly revered, that I had practiced for my entire life, and hold it close to me.

  The pain and the fear were too much right now for me to find a way to live with them; there just wasn't time to learn. Maybe if I had spent more time learning how to do that before…

  But, no. No time to think about that.

  If I was waking up, then so was Zvarr.

  If he returned…

  No, I couldn't think about the pain and destruction he had brought to my beloved planet, the way he had culled my people as if they were nothing more than katoth.

  The planet was empty, after all. There was no one left for him to hurt, so if he was waking, there was not much for me to fear. It would just be me and him again, and I would have to face him.

  At least there was no one else for him to hold over my head.

  Bitter laughter erupted from me as the pain came back, this time with rage and hatred for the one I had loved so much all my life. How could he have done that? How could he have hurt them all so much? How could he have destroyed everything I had ever loved?

  Inside, I wept
for the people I had not been able to save.

  Pull yourself together. Your tears will do nothing for them, not now.

  That was true. They had gone to Vivoth's embrace—but, no, that was wrong. They had gone to Nytoc.

  My god, whose domain was darkness and death, who was just as loving and kind as Vivoth—it was he who would guide their souls to the next realm. I only hoped he had been as kind to them as he had been to me before he Chose Zvarr.

  I was never going to understand what had possessed him to give Zvarr the power he needed to hurt so many people. Why would he hurt his children like that?

  It didn't make sense.

  At least it wouldn't happen again. There was no one left for Zvarr to hurt, save for me.

  Wrong.

  What?

  Oh.

  The tugging sensation began again, and there was the tenuous pain that came through the cord, as if wherever it was tied—the pain was coming from that direction.

  The connection was getting stronger, as if the object at the other end was coming closer.

  Panic washed through me.

  No, no, no…

  There couldn't be anyone else on Eyrus. It wasn't possible. Everyone had died!

  But the logic couldn't be refuted. The connection, the pain I felt from it, and that lonely agony that kept pushing through…they belonged to someone.

  Someone else was on my planet.

  Someone for Zvarr to destroy.

  Kaidan

  I lay in my bunk, eyes closed, as I tried to steal a few more minutes of sleep before the alarm went off, calling me to duty.

  We had been on this blasted rock for a month now.

  A month for the scientists to start digging, to get to work on the terraforming, and a month for me to scout a little farther every day.

  I had made a million and one excuses to everyone on the damned base as to why I kept going out, kept hunting for something that probably didn't exist. No one understood it, and to be honest, I didn't, either. I didn't know why I kept going out, didn't know what kept calling me to leave the base.

  Every day, I pushed a little harder, went a little farther, but still I didn't find whatever it was I was looking for.

  It sure would help to know what I’m looking for.

  I grumbled to myself in my thoughts, but it was no use. No matter how much I searched my mind to find what it was that was pushing me, it didn't help. I couldn't figure it out.

  It was about time I gave up on it, I was starting to think. I wasn’t going to find anything. I might as well let it go.

  What was the point in hunting for something that might not exist?

  But I had to know. I needed answers. Something was pulling at me, and there had been that stirring I’d felt in my soul when I had first set eyes on the planet. When I first stepped foot on the ground, it had happened again, and it had been accompanied by a buzzing sensation that couldn't be ignored.

  There was something on the planet for me. I knew it was out there, somewhere. I had to find it.

  Beep. Beep. Beep.

  The alarm went off on the stand by my head, and I smacked it with a heavy hand, sitting up in the same motion.

  Time to start the day, then. I dressed quickly, not wasting any time, and Jarek did the same beside me.

  "You going out again today, boss?" he asked, not quite looking at me.

  I could tell he was growing suspicious of my daily excursions, but what exactly could I tell him?

  "Maybe," I said, shrugging. "Depends on if there's anything that needs doing."

  He barked out a laugh. "You and I both know there ain't shit for us to do here. We're fucking pointless—there's nothing to protect these softies from."

  I grinned. "True, that. At least you didn't have to stay up for the entire trip here, watching the damned universe pass you by, with nothing to do."

  "Ugh, yeah, I would not have enjoyed that one bit. Wish there was something for us to do." His eyes darted to the side. "I'm getting antsy, sittin' around and twiddlin' my thumbs like this."

  I felt a pang of sympathy for him.

  At least I had something that was driving me, pushing me forward. I had something to care about, a motivation to keep going. Jarek and the rest of my men were just waiting for something to do.

  With every day that passed, they grew a little antsier, with nothing to do to challenge them.

  "You should organize a training session, Jarek," I said. "Give the men something to do to whet their appetites."

  "Yes, sir," he said, looking a little relieved.

  He'd been waiting for that order, unwilling to ask for it. Poor guy.

  "All right, let's go find out if there's anything for us to—"

  I was interrupted by the buzzing of the comm unit by the door.

  Frowning, I cast an inquisitive glance at Jarek, but he just shrugged.

  Why in hell is anyone buzzing me?

  And yet, there was that feeling again. It came over me suddenly that something was happening, that… But there wasn't anything more to it, no sign that I could follow.

  Damn it.

  I hit the button.

  "This is Norton," I barked.

  "We need you at the dig site, Norton." It was one of the scientists who was on the vid screen. He was out at the dig site himself, all geared up.

  The question What for? was on the tip of my tongue, but I bit it back.

  It wasn't my place to question orders.

  "Yes, sir," I said with a curt nod.

  The vid feed cut out, and I immediately turned and pulled on my tech suit, grabbed my weapons and strapped them on.

  "You want me to come with you, boss?"

  "Nah, I got this," I said. "Probably nothing."

  As soon as I was geared up, I strode from the room and made my way through the winding corridors to get to the exit. I slapped on my oxygen mask when I reached the airlock, punched the button for the air to filter out, and left the building.

  We'd gotten good shoes in the past month, thank God. Of course, that wasn't much of a surprise. The scientists couldn't be expected to slog through the sand to get to their work, after all.

  Not that they came outside too much—most of what they did was remote, but a lot of them were excited about what they were doing and wanted to observe it in action.

  It didn't take me long to get to the dig site. With shoes that spread my weight out over the sand, I was practically gliding across it.

  As soon as I got there, I locked eyes with Anders—he was the lead scientist on this mission, in charge of every single one of us. He waved me over, walking away from the heavy machine he'd been working on.

  "Sir," I said as soon as I reached him.

  "Thank you for coming, Norton."

  I tried not to let my surprise show on my face—my coming wasn't a favor to him. It was my job.

  "We're picking up some…odd signals down there. Not too sure what it is, but it's making some of the crew a little nervous. I'd appreciate it if you could go down there. I think it would make them feel better."

  I couldn’t see how a man as big as myself, with multiple blasters strapped to him, was going to make a bunch of squishy scientists feel better, but I knew better than to argue.

  Turning, I took one look at the tunnel and frowned.

  "You're digging a tunnel…" I said slowly, unable to stop myself from questioning them.

  It was weird. Why were they digging a tunnel? That didn't make sense. A hole, I could understand, but a tunnel?

  "Yes, well, we picked up signs of an element that could be crucial to speeding up the process," he said, and then he went on to say a bunch of shit in scientist-speak that I didn't understand.

  Don't expect me to figure out that fucking gobbledygook. That's not in my job description.

  "Just go on down there. You don't actually need to do anything. Just keep them company—it’ll make them feel better."

  I shrugged and started towards the tunnel.

&n
bsp; Fucking babysitting. That's what I was doing, babysitting a bunch of squints. This was what my fabulous career had come to, being a glorified babysitter.

  Ugh.

  But I didn't say any of that aloud, didn't give any indication that I was anything less than pleased with my orders. I just made my way through the tunnel until I reached the squints.

  A handheld machine was tearing into the earth in front of them, and they were all crowded around it. Just like Anders had said, they were jumpy as hell. When they heard me coming, they flinched and looked over their shoulders at me, but they calmed down as soon as they recognized me.

  What could get them so upset? I didn't understand.

  I leaned against the rock wall—kind of surprising to find that there was rock down here under the sand—and watched them get to work. It was boring, but there wasn't anything else I could do.

  And then I felt it again, that sensation of a stirring in my soul. That something was happening, or about to happen, or had already happened.

  I didn't know what it was, but I needed to figure it out.

  It was suddenly imperative that I know what that sensation was, that I know what was happening.

  I stood up straight, looking around me, trying to figure out what it was—and then it was like there was a pulling sensation in my mind. Like ghost fingers brushing against me, pulling me towards…

  I actually stumbled forward a few paces.

  Eyes wide, I looked at the wall they were digging into, and holy fucking shit.

  It was pulsing. Glowing.

  Didn't they see that?

  "Hey, guys, you need to—argh!"

  A splitting, painful sensation filled my mind, worse than any migraine I'd ever had. I grabbed at my head, closing my eyes tight, and tried to push it away.

  No time to worry…about…the pain…the wall…have to warn them…

  Why couldn't they see?

  Xiva

  No, no, no! Make it stop! Make it go away!

  The pain was worse. It was racking my body over and over again, so much worse than anything I had felt before. Worse than the pain of the people dying, worse than…anything.